John Will Consulting - Blog

Happy New Year

12/31/2017

Those who struggle with obesity often go through life playing a tape in their head. They may see a cute bathing suit and think of buying it, but then a message plays in their head, "But I'm fat." There often is a picture in their mind what they'd look like in the suit. (The picture is never complementary.) Accompanying this is usually a review of all the failed diets and abandoned exercise equipment that litters the person's life. With such a spectacular show of failure and defeat running through their minds, it isn't surprising that so many fail to reach their goal.

This inner narrative isn't limited to those with weight issues but affects all those facing long term unresolved issues. The addictions, interpersonal issues, depression, anxiety are just a few of the issues that involve ritualized self-defeating thinking patterns. These patterns are one of the primary items that prevent growth and change.

There are three components to changing this thinking that are simple yet effective. First, identify how you would like your thinking to change and write it down on a piece of paper. Place the primary focus on defining in detail the new positive way of thinking. Second is read this description every morning and night and visualize that new improved you. And third, have at least 3 people you can describe your progress to. When you talk speak in terms of the challenges you faced, your progress in changing to the new way of thinking and what you learned in the process.

New Year's may be a time of resolutions but by January 31 most of these have been abandoned. Over the years many people become cynical or develop defense mechanisms to avoid the pain of another failed attempt. The above formula works. It creates change. For those wanting positive change please, make a commitment and try it. You'll be amazed how well it works.

John

Letting Go

11/30/2017

Once upon a time I was working with the family of a 16 year old. After the young man had established his sobriety, his parents’ two main points of contention were his scholastic performance and his use of cigarettes. It was the cigarettes, though, that consumed the most time in our family sessions.

There were countless crises brought on by the young man coming home smelling of cigarette smoke, the parents finding his cigarettes or lighter or their interpretation of his smoking being a reflection of his drug use. They grounded him, took privileges away and their house was littered with pamphlets on the dangers of tobacco usage.

Finally, in a couples session, I asked them how their efforts were proceeding. His father exclaimed that the youth wasn’t really sober because he was still under the influence of nicotine. His mother reported her fears of serious illness or death if her son continued. They had both noticed that their son's attitude was growing negative and he was much more distant. Proof, the father said, that he was back on drugs.

The parents' obsession with their son's drug use was undermining his recovery efforts. Any efforts he made towards communication always led back to the question of when he would give up cigarettes. Every time he came home his father made a point of doing a "sniff exam" for any signs of cigarette smoke. Three months before the young man had been regularly in possession of drugs that would qualify for a felony arrest. He was failing school and had no real direction. Now he was sober, passing school and being treated worse than he was when using.

There are a couple of questions we must ask ourselves as adults. One deals with what is really important to us. Teens and young adults often do things we don't approve and it's been that way throughout history. We have to decide which behaviors are truly important to us and stick with them. Constantly raising the bar does little more than frustrate the youth and convince them they will never meet their parents' approval. Then they give up.

The second important point is defining where the youth's problem stops and ours begins. Often I see parents who bait their child into arguments over what are actually minor issues. Or engage in power struggles that simply drive the youth into exactly the behaviors the parent doesn't want. When a parent is just as upset over a teen's smelly room as they were over the teen's coming home high on opiates something's wrong.

Recovery for families is about learning what issues are worth pursuing and those best left alone. It's about learning how to deal with our own fears and not taking them out on our children. Finally, it's about learning how to let go, to be able to say what it is we feel without trying to control another human being.

John

Gratitude

8/31/2017

Houston experienced a brutal storm this past weekend. And with its passing there has been a moment that should humble all of us and fill us with a sense of gratitude.

I am humbled by the selflessness of those who risked life and limb for people they don't know and will probably never meet again. The Search & Rescue people from Tulsa, Oklahoma. Those from a power company some place in Missouri whose name I never got. For the Cajun Navy from Louisiana. For all the fisherman, big truck owners, kayakers and owners of anything that is too tall to stall or light enough to float that rescued so many. For Mattress Mack who opened up his stores because giving people a chair to sit in or a bed to sleep on is the right thing to do. For Alex and Izzy's father who rented a big moving van to help in the rescue because he could. And everyone who cared enough to give so much with no thought of return.

I am grateful to live in a city, in a state that are in a part of our country that takes great joy in the simple act of helping others. A part of our country where people go far out of their way, spending their own time and money, putting wear and tear on themselves and their machines because it would be neighborly to go save a few lives.

A lifetime ago I was taught that a better world begins with me and this past week we've seen thousands of people put that principle to work. They put aside their own lives and concerns to go do the right thing. To all those people I want to say thank you.

John

Point of View

7/31/2017

When I was a pre-teen my teeth were crooked and I ended up getting braces in a the 7th grade. It was common for those my age to be embarrassed by braces and many were teased unmercifully. For most it was a period of humiliation and feeling of inadequacy. I have often wondered how many therapists have built their careers repairing the self esteem of those who suffered the affliction of braces.

Oddly, for me the issue of braces had exactly the opposite effect. Rather than a source of shame there was a sense of pride and I considered them a status symbol. In the little town I grew up in the youth with braces were the children of the executives and the middle to upper middle class. It was also an issue that most of the "cool kids" were dealing with and having braces changed my identity to being one of that circle. Even teasing had an opposite effect, instead of a putdown it was a reminder that I had stepped up the status ladder.

So what's that have to do with recovery?

There are so many responses people have to entering treatment and recovery. For some it's a sense of shame for what they feel is a major failure. For others it's anger at being forced to go into treatment for a "minor" problem. Then there are those who experience a sense of relief entering treatment because they're finally getting help. The point with this is that being in treatment and recovery don't change but it is the individual's attitude that will define the experience. And that mindset is often makes the difference between success and failure.

In 12 step work, counseling and therapy we are challenged to examine our attitudes and assumptions about life. We are asked to let go of our beliefs and engage in the process of change. And we are asked to practice new behaviors long enough for new ways of thinking to open up. As simplistic as it may seem, the way you see your recovery will often define the quality of your recovery.

Have a great August

John

My Choices

6/30/2017

In the middle of the group a woman suddenly proclaimed, "All men are alcoholics and assholes!"

My friend, who was male, asked what would make her say such a thing. To which she responded, "I've been married 7 times and they were all alcoholics and assholes so all men are alcoholics and assholes."

In the 12 step programs they often make reference to having a broken picker. That is - the individual's ability to pick healthy friends and partners is impaired. There are many ways this can happen. Our parents may have modeled an unhealthy relationship for us as we grew up. Or a particular type of person may provide a little danger and excitement to what we consider a boring life. There are countless reasons but one conclusion: Even in a large group of people we will consistently pick out that one person who matches our preferences, even when these preferences aren't in our best interest.

Over time I've come to the conclusion that we can never turn that part of ourselves off. There are certain qualities we look for in others and those seem to remain with us. What we can do is to change the person we bring into the relationship. If we are healthy, if we communicate in an honest and direct manner, if we have firm boundaries then the people who stick around will be those who want those qualities in a relationship. It doesn't mean that either of us are perfect, only that we are bringing a desire for health into the equation.

Happy July 4th!

John

Coming of Age

5/31/2017

Stephanie was a great kid. In high school she had done well academically. Not perfect but good enough to be accepted by several colleges. Her parents had stressed either extracurricular activities or having a job and she had done both. While she was never clear on what she wanted to do with her life, her parents felt confident that she just needed some time. They anticipated that she would gain a sense of direction in college and from there she would blossom into adulthood.

It didn't work out that way.

At 19 years old Stephanie withdraw during the spring semester for "medical reasons." In her case, medical reasons meant she had spent much of her first year of college socializing, going to parties and drinking. After having been put on academic probation, Stephanie was confronted by her parents. She had promised to do better but nothing changed. She returned home depressed, angry and directionless.

This problem has become more and more common in recent years. Opinions vary on why, some blame alcohol or drugs and the new freedom youth experience in college. Others will talk about the depression experienced when separating from the family or emergence of other mental health issues common in young adulthood. There is, though, another set of issues that are often overlooked.

There are those children and adolescents who learn at an early age to comply. They want to please their parents and it's easier to "go along to get along" so they learn to meet the expectations of others. When the youth enters college and the structure of home and family is removed these youth have no internal sense of direction to guild them. Unfortunately, when parents attempt to intervene their efforts simply alienate the youth. As the crisis unfolds the young person experiences a complete loss of her or his ability to set and accomplish any goals. The parents become frustrated and start to question their ability as parents.

One parent put it best when he said, "What am I supposed to do? If I let go her life will be ruined before it starts. But every time I say something I just make things worse. What Do I Do?" For families facing this issue the only answer can be to seek assistance. But in seeking assistance look for those who understand the complexities of the situation. In consulting, my work often involves coordinating with other professionals to ensure all issues are identified and addressed appropriately. Proper treatment can mean the difference between a transitional issue or a life long problem.

John

Recovery Done Right

4/30/2017

When I was a young adult my biggest fear in life was to become stuck. To become one of those people whose life hit a high point early on and they spend the rest of their lives trying to regain that former glory. Or to become one of those whose life is filled with monotony and subsistence, living the same day repeatedly without growth or change. To me, these lifestyles seemed so easy to slip into and, once there, so difficult to escape.

Recovery done right is about rising above this subsistence level of living and engaging in the process of life. This process is one of identifying the areas needing work and then developing strategies for change. While this may sound simple, for many people this simple concept is overwhelming or impossible to accomplish. Whether it be "I don't have the time", or ritualized arguments with a spouse or a devastated self-image that has given up hope; the person finds it simply too much to engage in change.

For the month, look for those areas that, large or small, seem to be permanent fixtures to your life. Pick one action you can take once a day that will run counter to your normal pattern. Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings about these new behaviors. Then talk to a friend, counselor, pastor or someone about the changes happening. You'll be surprised.

John

Change

3/31/2017

Does your life support positive change?

Most of us would answer yes pointing out those aspects of our lives that reflect healthy practices. But do these activities really support positive change? How many of us have those areas of our lives that we just can't seem to change? And how many of us would like those areas to change but have given up trying?

Giving up is a heavy weight. We're reminded of it every time we look in a mirror or wonder how things might have been different if we just started changing at some earlier time. At that point people often feel their most helpless. The choice always seems to be in the past and doing something today is too little too late.

If there is anything that experience has shown it is that positive change can begin at any time in one's life. That newer, better version of ourselves can start becoming a reality at any moment. The beginning of that change is to develop a new consciousness; to move our viewpoint from what has been to what we want our lives to be. Doing this can start with a series of questions that focus our minds away from our past and towards our goals for the future. The questions won't "fix" anything, but they will start the process of change.

Right now (yes, right now - doing it immediately will make a difference) take out a piece of paper and answer the questions below.

What is something I want to change?

What are three new behaviors that will help me change?

Who will be supportive of my new behavior?

Who will undermine my new behavior?

Am I willing to commit my time to those who support me and avoid those who will undermine me?

For the previous question, why am I willing to commit or not commit to that change in my life?

Now that you're done, take the sheet of paper and read it to a trusted friend or advisor and review the answers. This friend or advisor should be someone who has a happy fulfilling life.

Following these directions will start a change that you will be amazed at.

Have a great month.

John

More Triggers

2/27/2017

Triggers are such a vital topic that they deserve a few more words.

Over the past few years it seems that there has been an ever increasing number of topics that trigger passionate responses. From politics to global warming to what pronoun a person is called by, there is a wide variety of ways to provoke people into an emotional response. In such cases there is little that can be done or said to diffuse the situation. At best one person will chose to walk away before it escalates too far.

In such situations, the idea of walking away is difficult. Triggering causes adrenaline floods into the blood system along with the stress hormone cortisol, Blood also flows to the lungs and heart, getting fully oxygenated in preparation for physical action. And, as mentioned last month, the mind enters what can only be described as a semi-psychotic state, unable to consider much more than fight or flight.

Unfortunately, there are so many different sources of emotional laden messages that it is hard to get through the day without being outraged.

Mindfulness is an old concept that has found new life in recent years in the mental health field. Simply put it is "a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique." It is a way to watch the insanity of a trigger wash over us. Letting it pass on as noticed, attended to and then released. We want to acknowledge our feelings but not let them take control of us.

Several of the 12 step programs suggest "sticking with winners in order to grow." While mindfulness may be achieved alone it occurs much more quickly when the journey is shared with others. Take time to find those who can lend support and insight into your growth.

Have a great month.

John

Triggers

2/1/2017

Anyone involved with chemical dependency is all too familiar with triggers. These are the little programs in the brain that respond when certain stimuli are presented. Any of the one or combination of the senses can trigger the desire to use. Sights, sounds, tastes, smells and even the feel of an object can provoke the impulse to take that first drink.

(Please note: Details have been changed to protect individual's confidentiality)

But triggers aren't limited to the chemically dependent. A woman I once worked with suddenly became depressed, hyper vigilant and defensive for no observable reason. When asked she said she heard someone walking downing the hall outside. The footsteps sounded just like her ex-husband's when he'd come home drunk and violent. It took quite a bit of the session to get past her belief that the person who walked by (who happened to be a very nice therapist) wasn't an abusive alcoholic. The little program in her brain had been triggered and the response became her reality.

In another situation an enraged father called, swearing his daughter had returned to use. When asked what had happened to raise his suspicions he blurted out, "She slept until 10:30 and was almost late for her job." While that's hardly an indicator of drug use, it was enough to trigger his suspicion program which triggered his frustration program which was enough to put him into a complete, over the top rage.

Both of these situations underscore the problem with emotional triggers. When these occur the stimulus causes the person to enter a fight or flight response. A key component to this is a semi-psychotic state of mind in which the higher mental functions become impaired and the more primitive parts of the mind take over. The person is quite literally unable to consider the problem rationally and responds to it emotionally. That response does little more than alienate those around him.

To recover from triggers first requires understanding that the problem isn't the person but the trigger. Did someone or some situation in the past create the trigger? Yep! Can we go back in the past and stop that from happening? Nope! Can we make that person change so we're no longer triggered? Nope! But that's not fair! Yep! The trigger is in our mind, it is our problem. Change occurs from learning to stop ourselves from reacting to the trigger and consider the reality of the here and now. That requires having a healthy support system of people we trust to provide reality checks. That requires safe places to process through the events of our lives to develop our own insights. The payoff of this work is a life that isn't thrown off track by our anger and fear.

Over the next month consider what triggers you emotionally and what support you have for chance.

Have a great day.

John