I was talking with a young man one day when he suddenly started talking about how trapped he felt. It seemed that he found it difficult if not impossible to say no to any request no matter how unreasonable. He talked about being tired of being the “go to” person at work. The one who would always make sure a project was done even if it meant putting in extra hours off the clock. He talked of friends that called when they were lonely but seemed to forget him when they had Friday night outings. Finally, he talked about his family that constantly needed his help but would often comment on how he should improve himself.
Each of these relationships were demanding and one sided. They monopolized his time, drained his of energy and did massive damage to his sense of self worth. He lived in fear of not being good enough at work, of not having any friends and of his family feeling like he had abandoned them. While this young man took care of everyone else he was slowly loosing his own vision for his life.
As we talked I asked him where he learned to be such a caretaker. Oddly, there wasn’t a place or time that he could identify. Instead he described a life of being trained to meet others’ expectatons. He had developed a habit of putting off his own needs for those of someone else. Over time this habit took over all his relationships. It didn’t happen in a day, or a week or even a month or year. The changes occurred as little compromises over the course of his life.
So this month I have a question: If this young man asked you for advice what would you suggest? What steps do you think would help him to develop boundaries and an ability to be assertive? How long do you think he would need to work at this to achieve a change in his life?
Please use the email under the Contact tab to send your answers. If you’d like, you can give an alias to be listed with your comments or you can ask to have them remain unlisted. Of course, any names listed will be first name with last name initial and no email addresses will be listed.
There’s a special surprise for everyone who participates and I’m going to post the answers in the middle of November.
John
Each of these relationships were demanding and one sided. They monopolized his time, drained his of energy and did massive damage to his sense of self worth. He lived in fear of not being good enough at work, of not having any friends and of his family feeling like he had abandoned them. While this young man took care of everyone else he was slowly loosing his own vision for his life.
As we talked I asked him where he learned to be such a caretaker. Oddly, there wasn’t a place or time that he could identify. Instead he described a life of being trained to meet others’ expectatons. He had developed a habit of putting off his own needs for those of someone else. Over time this habit took over all his relationships. It didn’t happen in a day, or a week or even a month or year. The changes occurred as little compromises over the course of his life.
So this month I have a question: If this young man asked you for advice what would you suggest? What steps do you think would help him to develop boundaries and an ability to be assertive? How long do you think he would need to work at this to achieve a change in his life?
Please use the email under the Contact tab to send your answers. If you’d like, you can give an alias to be listed with your comments or you can ask to have them remain unlisted. Of course, any names listed will be first name with last name initial and no email addresses will be listed.
There’s a special surprise for everyone who participates and I’m going to post the answers in the middle of November.
John
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