One of the most common threads in recovery is learning to deal with feelings. This isn’t just an issue of the early stages of recovery but, for many, continues well into established sobriety. The defenses we established to protect us from feelings we once weren’t equipped to deal with now stand as road blocks to making changes in this area.
Below is a life hack for creating a life that supports the healthy and honest expression of feelings. As with all change, remember that this is a process and not an event. Unhealthy strategies for dealing with feelings are generally developed over years and seldom change overnight. Make a commitment to institute this approach for at least the next 90 days and see what happens. I think you’ll be amazed at how things will change.
John
Create a Stable Environment by:
Eliminating Trauma. Engaging in addictive behaviors retraumatizes the brain, making it difficult or impossible to deal with feelings. This isn’t limited to drug/alcohol use but includes compulsive eating, shopping, gambling, risk taking or any other behavior that provides a “high”. Traumas cause our brains to return to a fight/flight level of functioning that prevents any self-examination or awareness building.
Avoiding Drama. Drama can come in the form of out of control relationships, secret keeping or living a double life. It can also entail constantly having problems and issues that never seem to get resolved. By avoiding acting out behavior or living in a constant state of crisis we quit wasting our energy on nonproductive activities.
Reducing Stressors. While some stressors can’t be eliminated there are some that can be easily reduced. Pay bills on time. Go to work. In heavy traffic look for people being polite. Don’t engage in religious or political discussions. By reducing the level of emotional stimulation it will become easier to identify what we are feeling and why.
Develop a Healthy Support System by:
Working with a sponsor, mentor or counselor to develop a clear idea of what healthy is. Our goal is to start learn the qualities and behaviors that make up “being healthy” and be able to identify them when we find them.
Eliminating or reducing exposure to unhealthy relationships. Manipulation, blame, bullying, excessive neediness and dishonesty – these are just a few of the unhealthy ways of interacting with others. To be successful in change we want to disengage from those whose behavior reinforces negative behavior.
Developing relationships with people who have the emotional and coping skills you want. Among musicians it is a common practice to play with people who have more advanced skills. Through the interactions that occur in the process of playing together the novice musicians learns new techniques, strategies and is given instant feedback on their ability to put these into practice. Spending time with healthy people, watching how they handle life and listening to their feedback provides an opportunity to learn from those who have mastered the skills you want.
Develop the Habit of Daily Review:
Take some time at the end of each day to review your progress towards the goal of change.
Forgive yourself for any shortcomings.
Feel satisfied with those areas where you’re making progress.
At least once a week review this with your sponsor, mentor or counselor.
Below is a life hack for creating a life that supports the healthy and honest expression of feelings. As with all change, remember that this is a process and not an event. Unhealthy strategies for dealing with feelings are generally developed over years and seldom change overnight. Make a commitment to institute this approach for at least the next 90 days and see what happens. I think you’ll be amazed at how things will change.
John
Create a Stable Environment by:
Eliminating Trauma. Engaging in addictive behaviors retraumatizes the brain, making it difficult or impossible to deal with feelings. This isn’t limited to drug/alcohol use but includes compulsive eating, shopping, gambling, risk taking or any other behavior that provides a “high”. Traumas cause our brains to return to a fight/flight level of functioning that prevents any self-examination or awareness building.
Avoiding Drama. Drama can come in the form of out of control relationships, secret keeping or living a double life. It can also entail constantly having problems and issues that never seem to get resolved. By avoiding acting out behavior or living in a constant state of crisis we quit wasting our energy on nonproductive activities.
Reducing Stressors. While some stressors can’t be eliminated there are some that can be easily reduced. Pay bills on time. Go to work. In heavy traffic look for people being polite. Don’t engage in religious or political discussions. By reducing the level of emotional stimulation it will become easier to identify what we are feeling and why.
Develop a Healthy Support System by:
Working with a sponsor, mentor or counselor to develop a clear idea of what healthy is. Our goal is to start learn the qualities and behaviors that make up “being healthy” and be able to identify them when we find them.
Eliminating or reducing exposure to unhealthy relationships. Manipulation, blame, bullying, excessive neediness and dishonesty – these are just a few of the unhealthy ways of interacting with others. To be successful in change we want to disengage from those whose behavior reinforces negative behavior.
Developing relationships with people who have the emotional and coping skills you want. Among musicians it is a common practice to play with people who have more advanced skills. Through the interactions that occur in the process of playing together the novice musicians learns new techniques, strategies and is given instant feedback on their ability to put these into practice. Spending time with healthy people, watching how they handle life and listening to their feedback provides an opportunity to learn from those who have mastered the skills you want.
Develop the Habit of Daily Review:
Take some time at the end of each day to review your progress towards the goal of change.
Forgive yourself for any shortcomings.
Feel satisfied with those areas where you’re making progress.
At least once a week review this with your sponsor, mentor or counselor.
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