With the start line literally minutes away, the challenge of our New Year's commitment is fast approaching.  But as we face our new goal, remember, 66% of people report that they don't make it past one month before slipping back into old behavior and 80% of people don't make it to 3 months.  With this knowledge in hand it's time to prepare our strategies for dealing with the treacherous ground of positive growth.  What will we do with negative thinking - the idea that we "failed again"?  Who makes up our support system to help us get back on track?  That type of plan is vital to our success.
 
My ongoing focus on New Year's resolutions comes from the belief that we all have things we want to change about ourselves.  We may find ourselves looking in a mirror and thinking "if only I could change _____________."  Or we're driving down the road wondering why our lives don't have more of something.  That more can be more meaning, more connectedness to others or more freedom to be who we are.  We all have those thoughts and feelings.  Something we want change for a brighter version of life but find we have put off for so long we don't know where to start.
 
New Year's is an opportunity to take on that something more.  To ask others to help us with it.  To set aside all the past and commit to it today.  It isn't easy but that approach does work.  We give ourselves a clean slate to start over and a solid commitment to stick with it no matter what the challenges or missteps. 

Here's wishing you the best in this new year.

John

​As we look towards Christmas and New Year's it is again time to face the dreaded New Year's Commitment.  Time to start exercising or stop smoking, loose weight or make a budget or commit to any of the multitude of changes we'd like to incorporate in a new, better version of ourselves. 
 
The problem is that we often have a picture of what success is that takes a considerable amount of time to accomplish.  If success is when we have six pack abs then we will spend many disappointed mornings looking in the mirror.  If success is when we don't crave that cigarette or piece of cheesecake then we will daily experience failure for the next several months. 
 
But if success is making a specific choice then we will have multiple examples of success every day.  Our goal moves from outcome to process, from the idea of fixing an imperfection or shortcoming to creating the impulse to choose our best version of ourselves.  We move from counting our failures to noticing our new strengths in specific as well as new and unexpected areas. 
 
This New Year commit to choosing a new decision.  The goal isn't to loose weight but to feel the power of not engaging in the weight game.  And in that choice we suddenly find freedom to make other choices throughout our lives.  The goal isn't six pack abs but to feel the ease and grace of well toned muscles.
 
Have a great holiday season.
 
John

Psychologist Carl Rogers once said we already have within us everything we need to grow and evolve.  The odd part of that is how so many of us pretend that we are at a complete loss when it comes to change.  It's not that we deny that change is possible but instead that we pretend we are helpless, that we need someone to solve the problem for us.
 
My favorite example is a statement of ignorance:  "I don't know why I keep doing this."  Or:  "I don't know what to do about this."  If the statement is rephrased as a question, such as "Why do you keep doing that?", more often than not the person will come up with the answer.  The oddest part is that they seldom protest that you're asking.  The person simply states the answer and then thinks about it.  I'm regularly amazed at the insight these answers contain.
 
So here's a two questions for the month:  What is one of the biggest, most difficult challenges you face today?  And, if you knew the answer to this challenge, if you knew the best course of action for solving it what would that be?  Write down your answers and see if you have more resources for problem solving then you ever imagined.
 
Have a great month.
 
John

On multiple occasions I‘ve watched a client be guaranteed that if they would follow a particular course of action they would get specific results.  In each case the person had expressed a desire for exactly the outcome that they were being assured they’d achieve.  These were often desperate people who had been trapped by substance abuse, a failed relationship, legal or career problems or some other overwhelming issue.  If they didn’t find a solution they would lose their freedom, someone they loved, their heath or something else they held dear in their lives.
 
But they turned the offer down. Sometimes it was an immediate “no, I don’t want to do that” or “let me think this through.”  Other times it was agreeing to take a course of action but then not following through.  While there are many reasons for this choice at its core the person is choosing the known over the unknown.
 
Luckily, it’s been a long time since my challenges have been even close to those listed above.  But I still have them and at times I still struggle with taking action.  My Achilles’ heal in this area has most often been letting go.  I may know that change is needed.  The course of action is clear.  But the old patterns are comfortable and change means letting go of whatever belief I held or justification I used to stay in that unhealthy place.  And letting go of that unhealthy place meant taking a risk, acting in a way that is uncomfortable or letting go of an old defense.
 
My solution to this has been to take the action.  To, as the commercial says, just do it.  I would just practice the new behavior and deal with the discomfort as I go along.  I quit worrying about understanding or if I was ready to make a commitment and just took the action.  And, remarkably, that works for me.
 
The assignment for the month is two-fold.  First, identify some change you’ve resisted for much too long.  Second, identify the strategy you use to accomplish change when you decide to just do it.  That’s all you have to do.  Once you’ve done those two tasks just watch how they interact.
 
John

Victor Frankl once said that in the time between something happening and our reaction to it we have a moment to choose a response.  That moment and our ability to use it reflect our level of growth and our freedom. 
 
Some people ignore that moment, instead choosing to believe they’re victims of others’ actions.  Those in this group will most often get angry and rage on the other person.  This person goes through life reacting to others and wondering why they don’t grow up. 
 
Others may recognize the moment but see their only choice as to either hold in their feelings or to have an angry outburst.  For these people, they experience a conflict.  They know that they have a choice but in many ways it seems they are letting others take advantage of them.  In recovery these people are often frustrated, on the one hand knowing that anger is destructive but on the other still feeling like they’re victims of others’ behavior.
 
A final group are those who watch others and try to figure out what they can do to get the best outcome.  There is a level of detachment, a moment where the person looks for what will bring about the best outcome.  The freedom the person has gained is the ability to let go of the need to control and instead seeks out the best course of action given the circumstances. 
 
This July 4th may you experience freedom in your recovery.  May you see that moment and the choices it presents for your growth.
 
 

Most mornings I get up at least half an hour before I need to, make a cup of coffee and then sit quietly and watch the day begin in my back yard.  It is a moment of time without the noise of life, of just being here now and watching the sun, rain or early morning twilight time without purpose or expectation.  A time of restful peace in which sometimes I may off and on dose and others I just stare out the window.  And so I start the day.
 
Last July’s blog was about creating a happy place in your world.  The idea being that in addictions we find ourselves facing triggers that prompt the desire to use.  So in recovery we want to develop triggers that will prompt a positive state of mind. 
 
This isn’t some brilliant bit of insight but it does merit some attention.  Practicing being in a positive restful state is good for us.  Being quiet and noticing the sunlight on the trees or listening to the rain falling on the roof or simply noticing the stillness of a home before anyone else rises helps train our minds and bodies in the art of serenity.  We learn how to be at peace in the moment.
 
Does this happen all at once?  No.  In truth it took me quite a bit or work to where I could simply let go on this level.  It also took developing a way of life that would support letting go. But the payoff was to having moments where I could practice peace.
 
So, this month’s question is:  Where do you practice peace?

For years the standard belief has held that once traumatized, most people will need serious help to recover.  Sure, there are those who seem to survive traumatic events unscathed, but they were always considered “highly resilient” people with extraordinary abilities at handling stress and crisis.  Often categorized as outliers, they were seen as unique, like people with 140+ IQs or child musical prodigies.   
 
But now there’s a new concept emerging that proposes the idea that promotes the idea of growth through trauma.  In post traumatic growth, individuals are still overwhelmed by an event or series of events.  They still have moments of profound crisis mixed with pain and fear.  They still face all the issues those who suffer PTSD suffer.  The difference is that, for some reason, they strive to recover. They work to resolve the issues and reestablish their lives.
 
What I’ve found most interesting about this concept is the changes these individuals experience due to their efforts.  For those who achieve post traumatic growth they:
 

• develop a sense that new opportunities have emerged from the struggle

• experience closer relationships with some specific people, and they can also experience an increased sense of connection to others who suffer
  

• have an increased sense of one’s own strength

• develop a greater appreciation for life in general
  

• gain a deeper spiritual life that can also involve a significant change in one’s belief system*

 
For those of you versed in 12 step programs, that sounds an awful lot like some of the Promises.  It seems these benefits are universal for those grow through a life and death struggle.
 
Anyone who has faced trauma in their lives, who knows those feelings of helplessness and pain, would do well to read up on this concept.  It doesn’t negate the need for help.  It doesn’t mean it won’t be a painful trip.  But it does mean that change can be achieved and hope may be restored in ways we never imagined.
 
John
 
*Source Posttraumatic Growth Research Group, The University of North Carolina at Charlotte