One of my favorite group openers is to ask participants to think of one of their “pet peeves.” Various answers are given, for example it may be how some people drive in traffic, a particular tone of voice or something as simple as the way a person walks down an aisle at the grocery store. Once they’ve identified this pet peeve I then ask them to remember the last time they experienced it. Consistently a good portion of the group will become angry and talk about just how frustrating the experience was for them.
Interestingly, people feel these feelings as if the experience had just happened. When asked they will describe everything in detail, reviewing not only what happened but their own thoughts and feelings each step of the way. It is as if they traveled back in time and relived the entire event. Many times the person will recall related incidents with the same attention to detail, thoughts and feelings. The oddest part of this process is that it is seen as normal. People will respond to something that occurred six months ago as if it just happened and never think twice about it.
Twelve step programs teach that resentments are a primary cause of relapse. Resentment quite literally means to re-feel a feeling. This could be best described as retraumatizing ourselves with memories. We reinforce the negative beliefs, attitudes and worldviews by reliving events over and over and over.
To recover from this process we must start by realizing that we are the ones traumatizing ourselves. Each time we repeat the memories, rethink the thoughts and reexperience the feelings we are only reinforcing an outlook that results in anger, bitterness and defensiveness. If we can recognize this, then we can start in the process of choosing how we react to each situation. We can see people as individuals and not as “one of them.” We can respond to the irritable driver who just cut us off with empathy for the frustrations of rush hour. We can let go of reacting to events and start having choices in how we interact with the world. Ultimately, we can be free to pick our own quality of life.
John
Interestingly, people feel these feelings as if the experience had just happened. When asked they will describe everything in detail, reviewing not only what happened but their own thoughts and feelings each step of the way. It is as if they traveled back in time and relived the entire event. Many times the person will recall related incidents with the same attention to detail, thoughts and feelings. The oddest part of this process is that it is seen as normal. People will respond to something that occurred six months ago as if it just happened and never think twice about it.
Twelve step programs teach that resentments are a primary cause of relapse. Resentment quite literally means to re-feel a feeling. This could be best described as retraumatizing ourselves with memories. We reinforce the negative beliefs, attitudes and worldviews by reliving events over and over and over.
To recover from this process we must start by realizing that we are the ones traumatizing ourselves. Each time we repeat the memories, rethink the thoughts and reexperience the feelings we are only reinforcing an outlook that results in anger, bitterness and defensiveness. If we can recognize this, then we can start in the process of choosing how we react to each situation. We can see people as individuals and not as “one of them.” We can respond to the irritable driver who just cut us off with empathy for the frustrations of rush hour. We can let go of reacting to events and start having choices in how we interact with the world. Ultimately, we can be free to pick our own quality of life.
John
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