Tom had just over a year sobriety and yet was totally miserable. He often talked about how recovery just wasn’t working for him. He knew there were changes he needed to make but somehow he just never got around to it. “I just don’t care” he confessed, “I don’t know why but I just don’t.”
“So, why don’t you care?” I asked. Seemed like a reasonable question.
“Because I’ve tried a million times and it always goes wrong. No matter what I try to do it won’t work, I’ll feel stupid and then I get drunk or spend six months being depressed and then get drunk. I’m just sick of trying and feeling like a loser.”
Wow, for someone who didn’t know why he didn’t care Tom seemed to know a lot.
Tom’s problem wasn’t unique. We are born with motivation. As babies, we cried when we were wet, hungry, cold or hurt and we quit crying when someone made it better. We have a tenacity to keep making noise until we get our needs met. This is a hardwired instinct.
However, for many in recovery this instinct has been derailed. The tenacity we once had for has been hijacked by our addictions. Or for others there have been repeated failures at change that has programmed us to give up before we fail again. Then there are those problems that seem so insurmountable that we feel overwhelmed just thinking about change.
The real question is how do we break these patterns of giving up? How do we break out of the feelings of shame and establish new feelings of hope? How do we reclaim that basic instinct to make things right in our world?
There are four steps to making this change that are simple, easy and take a minimum of effort. Do not be fooled by how basic these steps are, the power is actually in the fact that they are simple.
“So, why don’t you care?” I asked. Seemed like a reasonable question.
“Because I’ve tried a million times and it always goes wrong. No matter what I try to do it won’t work, I’ll feel stupid and then I get drunk or spend six months being depressed and then get drunk. I’m just sick of trying and feeling like a loser.”
Wow, for someone who didn’t know why he didn’t care Tom seemed to know a lot.
Tom’s problem wasn’t unique. We are born with motivation. As babies, we cried when we were wet, hungry, cold or hurt and we quit crying when someone made it better. We have a tenacity to keep making noise until we get our needs met. This is a hardwired instinct.
However, for many in recovery this instinct has been derailed. The tenacity we once had for has been hijacked by our addictions. Or for others there have been repeated failures at change that has programmed us to give up before we fail again. Then there are those problems that seem so insurmountable that we feel overwhelmed just thinking about change.
The real question is how do we break these patterns of giving up? How do we break out of the feelings of shame and establish new feelings of hope? How do we reclaim that basic instinct to make things right in our world?
There are four steps to making this change that are simple, easy and take a minimum of effort. Do not be fooled by how basic these steps are, the power is actually in the fact that they are simple.
- Pick a goal. Something that you will benefit from and commit to doing every day. Keep it small, measurable and requiring no more than 5 minutes of your time per day.
- Get a calendar and track your progress in meeting the goal you set in step one. The objective in step 2 isn’t perfection. Your goal is to keep track of how well you’re doing. Some days will be better than others. The point is to track change.
- Have someone to talk to about the changes you’re making. The objective in this step isn’t to have them “hold you accountable” but to simply set up a forum for review of your own self talk.
- Notice what your pattern is for completing the goal set in step one. Once you have an accurate idea, increase it by 1. If you do the task 6 days in a row and then miss 4, next time do it 7 days in a row and miss 4. If you want to, do the task 7 days in a row and then try to miss 5. That one is harder than you think.
This technique works amazingly well and gives a sense of strength and hope. If you have any questions, please use the Contact Us form and for the answers.
Have a great day,
John
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