A client I worked with, we’ll call him Jim, was starting to focus on his resentful attitudes. He was making great progress until a friend he respected told him “there’s a difference between resentments and not letting yourself get walked on.” In an instant the resentments and all the attitudes that supported them
flooded back and six months of progress was on the verge of being lost.
Fortunately, Jim recognized that something was wrong, we did some work on this infectious thinking and he was able to let it go before it festered for too long. The real lesson for him was that his friend liked Jiim the way he was. The friend could play the trustworthy confidant while Jim “processed” all his angry bitterness. As Jim would discuss these feelings the friend would “help” Jim try to figure out strategies to deal with the other person’s behavior. The friend never talked about Jim’s role in the problem, only about how he could “cope with other people’s sickness.” When Jim started to change the friend was suddenly faced with a person who not only didn’t need him but who was also starting to suspect the true nature of their conversations. On an unconscious level the friend’s comment was meant to sabotage Jim’s change and keep the status quo.
In early recovery identifying winners is fairly easy. If a person is staying sober, going to meetings and has a sponsor chances are that he or she is a winner. As we progress, though, the qualities we look for in winners become much more personal and subtle. Each of us has our own vulnerabilities to certain attitudes, reactions and behaviors. For any of us to make the next step we must identify and fill our lives with those who challenge us to reach our full potential.
The following process is one I’ve used many times in my own growth work. Consistently it has helped me change old thinking patterns and opened doors I wasn’t even aware of.
Take a few minutes with pencil and paper to answer the following questions. It’s important to write the answers down so you’ll have a guide to just how much has changed and how far you’ve come in you work:
a) What is a specific area of your life that you want to change?
b) How do you want it different?
c) What lengths are you willing to go to for this change to occur?
d) Is there anyone in your life who won’t support this change?
These simple questions change the dynamic from dealing with a problem to seeking the solution. By simply defining the issue you’ve already gone far in resolving it. By simply staying aware of the issue your brain will automatically seek out opportunities to make changes. These changes are infectious and will spread to bring new growth in both your life and the lives of all those you know.
John
flooded back and six months of progress was on the verge of being lost.
Fortunately, Jim recognized that something was wrong, we did some work on this infectious thinking and he was able to let it go before it festered for too long. The real lesson for him was that his friend liked Jiim the way he was. The friend could play the trustworthy confidant while Jim “processed” all his angry bitterness. As Jim would discuss these feelings the friend would “help” Jim try to figure out strategies to deal with the other person’s behavior. The friend never talked about Jim’s role in the problem, only about how he could “cope with other people’s sickness.” When Jim started to change the friend was suddenly faced with a person who not only didn’t need him but who was also starting to suspect the true nature of their conversations. On an unconscious level the friend’s comment was meant to sabotage Jim’s change and keep the status quo.
In early recovery identifying winners is fairly easy. If a person is staying sober, going to meetings and has a sponsor chances are that he or she is a winner. As we progress, though, the qualities we look for in winners become much more personal and subtle. Each of us has our own vulnerabilities to certain attitudes, reactions and behaviors. For any of us to make the next step we must identify and fill our lives with those who challenge us to reach our full potential.
The following process is one I’ve used many times in my own growth work. Consistently it has helped me change old thinking patterns and opened doors I wasn’t even aware of.
Take a few minutes with pencil and paper to answer the following questions. It’s important to write the answers down so you’ll have a guide to just how much has changed and how far you’ve come in you work:
a) What is a specific area of your life that you want to change?
b) How do you want it different?
c) What lengths are you willing to go to for this change to occur?
d) Is there anyone in your life who won’t support this change?
These simple questions change the dynamic from dealing with a problem to seeking the solution. By simply defining the issue you’ve already gone far in resolving it. By simply staying aware of the issue your brain will automatically seek out opportunities to make changes. These changes are infectious and will spread to bring new growth in both your life and the lives of all those you know.
John
RSS Feed