A friend of mine once told a story of running a group where a member suddenly announced she’d had a breakthrough. My friend, pleased the woman was making progress, asked her what it was. The women replied, “All men are alcoholics and jerks!” My friend, a man, asked her what would make her say such a thing. She replied, “I’ve been married seven times and each was an alcoholic and a jerk.”
The woman illustrates a truth that many of us have recognized. It seems that we are often attracted to specific types of people and will unconsciously make the same choice repeatedly. Even if the outcome is less than desirable, without some very conscious effort we seek out the same problems. Not only in marriages, but with friends, coworkers or any other type of relationship we make the same choices.
And, oddly enough, others seem to seek us out. The people whose own issues fit so snugly with ours appear to want nothing more than to establish a relationship where our problems can play of each other.
So, what if we chose to do something different? What if we chose to focus our energies on changing how we relate to others? Changing how we deal with our feelings? Changing the ideas we allow into our minds? Would this change the type of people who we’re attracted to and who are attracted to us?
One of my favorite challenges is to do a short written review of the similarities between problematic relationships. One woman talked about being attracted to exciting men, the ones who were a little dangerous and were always creating a lot of drama. Another always seemed to find the people who needed someone to fix their lives. He spent countless hours trying to help people who ultimately were more interested in having others solve their problems than learning how to do it themselves. And another had the ability to attract angry people without ever saying a word. It was amazing how he could walk into a room and be in an argument within minutes.
Interestingly, this exercise often requires no further explanation. Once people become aware of these subtle patterns they will start the process of change. It’s as if some part of their brain became alerted by the exercise and started taking action on its own. They quite literally wake up one day to find changes in their lives.
Have a great month! If you chose to try this exercise please stay in touch and let me know how it’s working.
John
The woman illustrates a truth that many of us have recognized. It seems that we are often attracted to specific types of people and will unconsciously make the same choice repeatedly. Even if the outcome is less than desirable, without some very conscious effort we seek out the same problems. Not only in marriages, but with friends, coworkers or any other type of relationship we make the same choices.
And, oddly enough, others seem to seek us out. The people whose own issues fit so snugly with ours appear to want nothing more than to establish a relationship where our problems can play of each other.
So, what if we chose to do something different? What if we chose to focus our energies on changing how we relate to others? Changing how we deal with our feelings? Changing the ideas we allow into our minds? Would this change the type of people who we’re attracted to and who are attracted to us?
One of my favorite challenges is to do a short written review of the similarities between problematic relationships. One woman talked about being attracted to exciting men, the ones who were a little dangerous and were always creating a lot of drama. Another always seemed to find the people who needed someone to fix their lives. He spent countless hours trying to help people who ultimately were more interested in having others solve their problems than learning how to do it themselves. And another had the ability to attract angry people without ever saying a word. It was amazing how he could walk into a room and be in an argument within minutes.
Interestingly, this exercise often requires no further explanation. Once people become aware of these subtle patterns they will start the process of change. It’s as if some part of their brain became alerted by the exercise and started taking action on its own. They quite literally wake up one day to find changes in their lives.
Have a great month! If you chose to try this exercise please stay in touch and let me know how it’s working.
John
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