Over time I’ve come to believe that the skill of arguing is one that is learned. Throughout our lives we are taught the rules of arguing, who is allowed to use what strategies and the risks and rewards involved in engaging in verbal disagreements.
If we are lucky enough to have lived in a healthy environment we have learned that arguing is a way to resolve conflict, establish boundaries and express conflicting needs. We learned that, while the process may be difficult, the outcome is a relationship that is healthy and respectful.
But for others our experience with arguing has been that it more often than not places us at risk. Some of us learn that the direct expression of our experience of the relationship results in retaliation either
immediately or in the future. Others discover that assertiveness is met with counter arguments and
accusations that make continuing the conversation impossible. Another common experience is to discover that the rules for arguing regularly change, leaving one person seriously disempowered in the process.
These are just a few of the multitude of strategies that derail healthy communication and destroy relationships. The most common responses are feelings of frustration, hopelessness and a sense of inadequacy in being able to be an assertive adult. Individuals stuck in these relationships often voice the desire to “win” or “to make him/her listen for once.”
Winning, though, doesn’t get you what you want. “Making a person listen” is just saying that you want to have power over the other individual, which ultimately makes the problem worse. The solution is to learn how to stay emotionally detached through the process and stay focused on you thoughts and feelings. Detachment allows you to be stable until the emotional storm of the argument passes. It’s not easy,
it takes time and effort. But it does work.
How do we stay detached? Attend Al-Anon. Read literature that focuses on personal growth and development. Develop a support system of people who have mastered the ability. Most importantly, have someone that you trust that can serve as your anchor to detachment. The person whose
insights, strength and support help keep you on track for reaching your goal.
John
If we are lucky enough to have lived in a healthy environment we have learned that arguing is a way to resolve conflict, establish boundaries and express conflicting needs. We learned that, while the process may be difficult, the outcome is a relationship that is healthy and respectful.
But for others our experience with arguing has been that it more often than not places us at risk. Some of us learn that the direct expression of our experience of the relationship results in retaliation either
immediately or in the future. Others discover that assertiveness is met with counter arguments and
accusations that make continuing the conversation impossible. Another common experience is to discover that the rules for arguing regularly change, leaving one person seriously disempowered in the process.
These are just a few of the multitude of strategies that derail healthy communication and destroy relationships. The most common responses are feelings of frustration, hopelessness and a sense of inadequacy in being able to be an assertive adult. Individuals stuck in these relationships often voice the desire to “win” or “to make him/her listen for once.”
Winning, though, doesn’t get you what you want. “Making a person listen” is just saying that you want to have power over the other individual, which ultimately makes the problem worse. The solution is to learn how to stay emotionally detached through the process and stay focused on you thoughts and feelings. Detachment allows you to be stable until the emotional storm of the argument passes. It’s not easy,
it takes time and effort. But it does work.
How do we stay detached? Attend Al-Anon. Read literature that focuses on personal growth and development. Develop a support system of people who have mastered the ability. Most importantly, have someone that you trust that can serve as your anchor to detachment. The person whose
insights, strength and support help keep you on track for reaching your goal.
John
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