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Forgiveness

8/26/2013

In recovery getting sober is the easy part. All it takes is not using for 30 days. The difficult part is repairing the damage done to ourselves and our relationships. And it’s not just the behavior of the addict/alcoholic that caused the damage. During a family group I once watched a father look at his son with an expression of total disgust. The father had a right to be angry about some of his son’s choices. But what must it be like to be trying to change and have a loved one look at you with such an expression? The same goes on between husbands and wives, brothers and sisters and all who have experienced long term problems with a loved one.

Excellence in recovery is about breaking free of the resentments, pain and grief that follow us into sobriety. When we become honest with ourselves about those things we have done. When we become willing to forgive and ask for forgiveness. As these issues are resolved we experience greater freedom and hope in our lives. And we discover we are becoming the person we have always wanted to be.

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Achieving Change

7/4/2013

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How hard is change?

For some, change is simply a matter of making a decision. Those are the people who wake up one morning, decide to lose weight and just do it. Or those who have been stuck in the same patterns for years and then one day break out of the old patterns and restart their lives. For some change is just that easy.

But for most of us, change requires a little more work. Not because change is hard but because we’ve established patterns in our lives that make staying the same easy. If we’re going to achieve change, then we must find a way to let go of our old ways of living and embrace a new consciousness about ourselves, our lives and those around us. It is when we move outside our comfort zone and make these changes that we become the person we have always known we are.

Today is July 4th, 2013, Independence Day. To celebrate, I ask you to identify one area of your life that you want to improve and make a commitment to that change. It doesn’t have to be a big change; in fact, a small one would be better. Just some area of your life where you want to step outside the comfortable patterns you’ve established and try something new.

Once that goal is set you’ll be surprised at how quickly you’ll become aware of opportunities to achieve that change. You’ll also become very much aware of all the patterns of living and thinking that stand in your way. And suddenly you will have more chances to choose something better than you ever thought possible.

If a problem proves too resistant and you need help, call me. I’m offering a free phone session to help you establish a new way of life.

Today, declare your own personal Independence Day.

John Will
713-489-7755

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Anxiety attacks

6/3/2013

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A few summers back I was sitting talking with my supervisor right before leaving on vacation. As we talked I started thinking of all the projects we had going and of all the things that could go wrong. As I started to think about these issues I started to feel a pain in my chest. As the pain increased I started becoming short of breath and it occurred to me that I might be having a heart attack. As this thought crossed my mind the symptoms intensified and I mentioned to my supervisor that I was having problems. I started to ponder whether to ask her to call 911.

As things were moving towards a real crisis I had one of those moments of clarity where several points became obvious. First, I was very anxious about whether the staff would follow through with our projects while I was gone. Second I was worried that if they didn’t there would have to be a lot of confrontations when I returned. Finally, I also realized that this would also lead to a confrontation between my supervisor and myself. This brought me to the conclusion that I was having a panic attack.

Being a counselor who uses life experience for anecdotes and insights I was thrilled at the prospect of having a panic attack. Here was a new experience that I could use in my talks and would surely provide a whole series of events that could be both funny and poignant. I decided that I could enjoy this and have some fun with it.

And then the anxiety attack went away.

Oddly, I was disappointed. It seemed the panic attack wouldn’t be the grand adventure I was hoping for. But I did learn a valuable lesson about mental health. People who have panic attacks will generally spend quite a bit of time in therapy, on medication, practicing stress management and struggling to “work through the problem.” Yet, in a period of just a few moments I accidentally found a way for an anxiety attack to drift away. It seems that the solution wasn’t in learning how to deal with feelings but in changing the way I thought about it. By changing my beliefs about the feelings, by considering the feelings beneficial rather than something to be fear, those feelings just seemed to drift away. They were no longer a threat.

Of all the things we’ve discovered working with substance abuse and mental health issues the most impressive is the resilience each person possesses. Many times the work of a counselor consist more of helping the individual discover the tools he or she already has. More often than not the greatest challenge we have in change is allowing ourselves to change.

John

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Arguments

5/22/2013

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Over time I’ve come to believe that the skill of arguing is one that is learned. Throughout our lives we are taught the rules of arguing, who is allowed to use what strategies and the risks and rewards involved in engaging in verbal disagreements.

If we are lucky enough to have lived in a healthy environment we have learned that arguing is a way to resolve conflict, establish boundaries and express conflicting needs. We learned that, while the process may be difficult, the outcome is a relationship that is healthy and respectful.

But for others our experience with arguing has been that it more often than not places us at risk. Some of us learn that the direct expression of our experience of the relationship results in retaliation either
immediately or in the future. Others discover that assertiveness is met with counter arguments and
accusations that make continuing the conversation impossible. Another common experience is to discover that the rules for arguing regularly change, leaving one person seriously disempowered in the process.

These are just a few of the multitude of strategies that derail healthy communication and destroy relationships. The most common responses are feelings of frustration, hopelessness and a sense of inadequacy in being able to be an assertive adult. Individuals stuck in these relationships often voice the desire to “win” or “to make him/her listen for once.”

Winning, though, doesn’t get you what you want. “Making a person listen” is just saying that you want to have power over the other individual, which ultimately makes the problem worse. The solution is to learn how to stay emotionally detached through the process and stay focused on you thoughts and feelings.   Detachment allows you to be stable until the emotional storm of the argument passes. It’s not easy,
it takes time and effort. But it does work.

How do we stay detached? Attend Al-Anon. Read literature that focuses on personal growth and development. Develop a support system of people who have mastered the ability. Most importantly, have someone that you trust that can serve as your anchor to detachment. The person whose
insights, strength and support help keep you on track for reaching your goal.

John

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Sticking with winners

4/23/2013

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A client I worked with, we’ll call him Jim, was starting to focus on his resentful attitudes. He was making great progress until a friend he respected told him “there’s a difference between resentments and not letting yourself get walked on.” In an instant the resentments and all the attitudes that supported them
flooded back and six months of progress was on the verge of being lost.

Fortunately, Jim recognized that something was wrong, we did some work on this infectious thinking and he was able to let it go before it festered for too long. The real lesson for him was that his friend liked Jiim the way he was. The friend could play the trustworthy confidant while Jim “processed” all his angry bitterness. As Jim would discuss these feelings the friend would “help” Jim try to figure out strategies to deal with the other person’s behavior. The friend never talked about Jim’s role in the problem, only about how he could “cope with other people’s sickness.” When Jim started to change the friend was suddenly faced with a person who not only didn’t need him but who was also starting to suspect the true nature of their conversations. On an unconscious level the friend’s comment was meant to sabotage Jim’s change and keep the status quo.

In early recovery identifying winners is fairly easy. If a person is staying sober, going to meetings and has a sponsor chances are that he or she is a winner. As we progress, though, the qualities we look for in winners become much more personal and subtle. Each of us has our own vulnerabilities to certain attitudes, reactions and behaviors. For any of us to make the next step we must identify and fill our lives with those who challenge us to reach our full potential.

The following process is one I’ve used many times in my own growth work. Consistently it has helped me change old thinking patterns and opened doors I wasn’t even aware of.

Take a few minutes with pencil and paper to answer the following questions. It’s important to write the answers down so you’ll have a guide to just how much has changed and how far you’ve come in you work:

a)   What is a specific area of your life that you want to change?
b)   How do you want it different?
c)   What lengths are you willing to go to for this change to occur?
d)   Is there anyone in your life who won’t support this change?

These simple questions change the dynamic from dealing with a problem to seeking the solution. By simply defining the issue you’ve already gone far in resolving it. By simply staying aware of the issue your brain will automatically seek out opportunities to make changes. These changes are infectious and will spread to bring new growth in both your life and the lives of all those you know.

John

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Balance in recovery

3/4/2013

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In the early 1980s, I attended a presentation on the newest research on relapse prevention. Several of my clients were having difficulty in this area and I was anxious to find a real solution.

The first part of the workshop consisted of a review of current treatment practices and research on relapse rates. The speaker then offered his intervention strategy, a multi-paged assessment tool and reviewed implementation of the program.

During the presentation the speaker provided research results and facts that seemed at odds with my experience as a counselor.Included in these were:

        People who exceed the speed limit are in relapse
        People who smoke cigarettes are in relapse
        Overweight people aren’t in recovery unless they’re on a diet
        People who don’t wear seat belts …relapse

You get the idea.

What bothered me more than anything was that there were no conditions placed on the statements. These were absolutes. His belief was that people in recovery should never engage in any of these activities. End of story. This extremism seemed arbitrary and unrealistic.

For a time I used the approach but my clients, mostly young adults, were overwhelmed by the assessment tool and found the “relapse behaviors” a bit silly. They all knew people who were overweight or smoked with years of sobriety. Some had sponsors who drove too fast and didn’t wear seatbelts. And these weren’t the exceptions, more often then not they were the rule.

The one bit of good that came from the workshop was that I had several people who told me: “That won’t work, let me tell you what I really need to do.” This would be the point where we started working on real recovery. My role as a “counselor” whose job was to make things right for my client ended. I suddenly became a co-conspirator, discussing strategies and ideas on how to have an excellent life.

Excellence in recovery is about discovering what each of us as individuals need to work on. In some cases we will find shared problems that respond best to a specific strategy. At other times we will identify unique issues and need to develop a personalized approach. The goal, though, is to grow through this process with the end product being the kind of life we always dreamed of having.

If you’re already working for recovery excellence, congratulations! Prepare for your life to blossom and grow in ways you never imagined. If you’re just getting started, take a look at January 26, 2013 of this blog for a great starting point. Finally, seek out those who are experiencing recovery excellence in their lives. Change really is infectious. By surrounding ourselves with successful happy people we start to learn the strategies and beliefs that make this new life possible.

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January 26th, 2013

1/26/2013

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Alcoholism and chemical dependency aren’t the only areas where people have difficulty achieving change.  In fact, chronic relapse is a problem for anyone who is working to change an old behavior or start practicing a new one. Diabetes, heart disease and weight loss are all well known for having individuals continue unhealthy behavior despite severe negative consequences.  People also experience difficulty not only starting but maintaining a new exercise program, saving money or even learning and practicing how to play a musical instrument.  In this sense relapse is part of the process of change.

Below are three simple steps I’ve found that help to achieve and maintain a new way of life. They don’t require “finally hitting bottom.” They don’t require perfection. All you need is a commitment to the process. These aren’t a replacement for other recovery activities; they’re a way to organize how we approach change.

Draw a line in the sand
Wake up one morning and decide today is the day your life starts changing. Write that date down and post it in a place you'll see it every day when you get up.

Relapsing never means you’re starting over, that date doesn’t change. The date represents your commitment to change; a relapse is simply a bump in the road.

Remember; even if you relapse you never start over. You have learned. You have changed. A relapse is simply a reminder that there is more to do.

Do something every day
Change is achieved in small increments of new activities and ways of thinking. Each day take at least one healthy action. Each day, make at least one decision to do something different.

If you reach the end of the day and realize you’ve done nothing that day regarding your goal then you have just worked the Alcoholics Anonymous 10th step. Chronic relapse often is accompanied by a chronic
sense of failure. When in the process of chronic relapse we become accustomed to putting all our attention on our failures. Our new goal is to focus our attention on the actions we are taking.

Prepare for problems
Each day, get some paper, sit down and think of one situation that would interfere with your commitment to sobriety. Write it down. Write out a healthy strategy for dealing with the situation. Be specific. Write down how you will feel after having dealt with the situation in a healthy manner.

By focusing on one situation at a time, your mind has a chance to really think through that specific problem area. It has the opportunity to rehearse the new behavior and to consider all possible outcomes. For these reasons, keep it simple and take one issue at a time.

In closing
I once had a coworker tell me this process gives people permission to relapse and not feel bad about it. Most people already feel bad enough about their struggles without anyone else dumping more shame and guilt on them. The goal of this strategy is to quit wasting your energy on feeling bad and start using that energy to achieve what you want.

Have a great day,
John Will

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Forgiveness

Achieving Change

Anxiety attacks

Arguments

Sticking with winners

Balance in recovery

January 26th, 2013

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